Pros and Cons of Poison Ivy

I recently contracted poison ivy for the first time. I’m in agony and want to punch holes in walls but thought crafting a list would be more productive.

PROS
I’m not worried about usual life stresses because all I can think about are the flames engulfing my legs.

I supported the economy by purchasing Benadryl, Zanfel, Cortaid, and Aveeno Bath.

Panhandlers don’t bother girls with yellow shmoo oozing down their legs.

I got to hear my sister suggest that I pee on myself.

Mosquito bites won’t seem that bad anymore.

I have an excuse to drink whiskey and listen to Uncle Tupelo.

I can dress up like Poison Ivy for Halloween.

CONS
I’ll never have a pretty backyard because I’m never going to weed again.

I could have bought two new dresses with what I spent on remedies.

Sleep is not an option.

I have phantom rashes.

I can’t run because sweating will make me scream.

I won't be able to shave my legs for a year.

My soul itches.